The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
