You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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