I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
