this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
