i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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