matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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