I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
