i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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