WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher