as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
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do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
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He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?