I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
