is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
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I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.