using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
