I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
