I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
