I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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