why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
