you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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