if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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