Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
