I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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