Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
