I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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