Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
