Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
