the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
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Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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