I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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