Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
