i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
