I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
