thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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