I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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