My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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