she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
