i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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