so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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