omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
