Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
