well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
