It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
