just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
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She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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