i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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