One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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