I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
