You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
