Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
