I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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