I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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