we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
