areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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