It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
