On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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