oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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