Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
