ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
