Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
