The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
