Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
