Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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