4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The best revenge is premature balding
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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