remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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